


Dear My Other Self

by NanakiBH



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Amnesia, Awkward Crush, Dreams vs. Reality, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:28:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22898773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: There's no escaping the past. In forgetting, there remains a hole from which anxiety flows.
Relationships: Demyx/Xigbar (Kingdom Hearts), Luxu/Master of Masters (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Dear My Other Self

**Author's Note:**

> The theory marches on. I translated [Demyx's short story](https://nanakibh.tumblr.com/post/190943935713/a-tweet-of-a-substitute) from the KH character files book. Here's one interpretation I thought of, the one which seems the most likely situation to me at the moment - with xigdem/momxu flavor, of course.

Ever since Demyx joined the Organization, he'd been having dreams of a place he couldn't remember.

It was so much brighter than where he found himself, full of light. It was a town where many children lived, though he couldn't recall the faces of any of them. For some reason, he felt like he was always watching the town from a distance, high up above everything. From a place so high, he would have been able to see everything, but his dreams lacked detail. The landscape was hazy.

He was never sure of how much was a dream and how much was a memory.

When he was inside one of those dreams, all he could do was watch.

In every dream, he saw a tall man in a black coat just like the ones they wore in the Organization.

That guy...

Where to even begin?

He was a strange, unpredictable guy, but...

For some reason, Demyx didn't think he was that hard to understand.

He was pretty funny. Even when his jokes didn't make any sense, he had a way about him that made people laugh. A lot of the things he said were confusing, but it seemed like the people who knew him were used to that. They all took his bewildering nature in stride and smiled even when they didn't understand what he was talking about. It was clear that they wanted to understand, but there were reasons why he couldn't simply say what he meant.

When he was by himself, he was like a different person.

He didn't smile. He didn't laugh.

It was like his smile existed only for them. He didn't have any other reason to laugh.

As he sat alone at his desk, even though he didn't speak, Demyx thought he could hear what he was thinking.

There were a lot of difficult memories on his shoulders. When Demyx tried to approach them, to see if he could recall them at all, he got the sense that there was something pushing him back, cutting him off from things he wasn't allowed to know. Snooping was rude, he supposed. Even if it was all just a dream, he knew it wouldn't have been right for him to pry into someone else's heart. It was probably for the best. He got the feeling that there was something deep in that person's heart that deserved to remain hidden. Whatever it was, it was probably something painful.

It was...

Right on the tip of his tongue.

But he didn't want to remember. He was scared.

It was strange.

Why did he feel like he could recall those memories if he tried? How were he and that person related?

He just hoped it wasn't too late for him. Whether he was real or just a character in his dreams, Demyx was rooting for his smile. He couldn't remember much of anything about him, but he knew that it felt wrong when he wasn't acting like his usual cheerful self. When his cheerfulness disappeared, it was scary.

He wasn't the scary thing, though. It was everything else.

If even that person couldn't bring himself to laugh, then it felt like everything was hopeless, like the whole world was going to crumble.

But it wasn't going to. Didn't he know that? Couldn't he see the future?

Demyx wanted to tell him that the world was still there. He was still there.

Seriously, he didn't know what he was doing in the Organization. He didn't know anyone, and everyone hated him. The only person he felt like he could trust was Xiggy, but he was always ignoring him like he was too busy with his own things. It really sucked. All he wanted was to be left alone so he could relax and play his sitar. But when he was alone... He realized that he didn't like being alone.

Once he found his way again, he wanted to find that guy.

Didn't he realize how lucky he was? He had people who liked him and cared about him.

Maybe... he did realize...

Was that why it was so painful to think about the future?

He didn't want to think about it.

Hopefully he was still alright. He seemed like someone who could handle himself, even if he was a total scatterbrain. And if he couldn't, well, at least he had that boy. That kid was so reliable.

What was his name, again...?

Oh right. That was Luxu.

Demyx hoped he was doing okay, too. Wherever he was, he hoped Luxu was still somewhere close to that guy.

It was clear that Luxu had feelings for him, but those feelings never made it through. Demyx couldn't tell if that guy was just dense or if he was ignoring Luxu's feelings on purpose. It was kinda frustrating to watch. He was hoping that Luxu's affection would eventually be reciprocated, but every dream left the tension tragically unresolved.

He must have been ignoring him for a reason. There were things Luxu had to do, so he didn't want to get in the way of that. That made sense... Still annoying, though.

Demyx couldn't tell if he knew Luxu personally. It kinda felt like he did, but he only had dreams where that guy was the one talking to him. When he tried to think about it, it felt like his thoughts were dizzily blurring together with someone else's. Had he always been sitting in the corner of the room, secretly watching them like some kind of voyeur? That didn't make any sense. He remembered Luxu looking at him... He definitely remembered.

But... If he met Luxu outside of the dream, would Luxu recognize him?

He wasn't sure...

He couldn't remember when they met or for how long they'd known each other.

He didn't know why it was so important to him, but he didn't want that boy to think of him as just a stranger.

At the least, he felt like he needed to congratulate him. For what, he wasn't sure. All Demyx knew was that Luxu was in charge of something really important. They both were. Right?

Yeah, he felt almost positive that he had some kind of really important job... The fact that he couldn't remember seemed like something that should have worried him, but he didn't feel too concerned. He didn't get the feeling he was doing anything wrong. Even if he was doing nothing, that kinda felt like what he was supposed to be doing.

Just watching...

That was all he could do in his dreams. That was all he could do in the Organization. As far as he knew, he didn't have any special strengths, so all he could do was watch everyone else. It was like he was waiting for something.

He may have been confused, but he was always moving forward, one way or another. He knew what he liked and he knew what he didn't like. That was enough. Xemnas told them that they didn't have emotions, but he didn't need emotions to know whether he liked something or not.

It seemed counter-intuitive to join a group like the Organization if he didn't like fighting, but it wasn't like he could just leave. He didn't want to be a traitor. There was really nothing worse than a traitor. Something made him feel that way.

Time would take him to where he needed to be. Someone would have the answers.

Until then, it was okay. He couldn't remember who he was supposed to be, so he was free to be whoever he wanted to be until he remembered what the truth was. There was no need to get stressed out about it.

He'd let his heart be his guiding-...

Er, well. No heart, so...

He'd keep doing what he was doing.

Simple as that.

* * *

The same as always, Demyx sat up in his bed in the Castle That Never Was, having the vague feeling that he had another one of those dreams. When he tried to focus on what he saw in his sleep, the memory unreliably wavered like a mirage. It all seemed extremely vivid in the moment, but the memory tended to fade away and disappear from his grasp almost as soon as he opened his eyes.

Once again, he awoke alone in the tall tower with nothing there to greet him but the darkness outside his window.

It should have been the morning sun there. Right?

The light of dawn...

He put his feet over the side of the bed and stared at the coat hanging by the door.

He couldn't remember when he joined the Organization, but he remembered how surprised he was when he saw that everyone was wearing the same kind of coat he was wearing. It was like they all went shopping at the same place or something. Super weird. Maybe it was just a Nobody thing, like the coat just magically appeared on them once they were turned into Nobodies?

Ha, yeah right.

But, as he stared at the coat, he felt something stirring in his chest.

The coat was like their uniform, but he didn't hate wearing it. It felt comfortable and familiar.

After putting on his coat and neatening his bedhead, he headed down to the Grey Area with his fingers crossed, hoping that he wouldn't find his name on the mission roster.

He walked past Luxord who was chatting with the Organization Moogle and noticed Xigbar sitting on one of the couches. When their eyes met, Demyx immediately glanced away, his breath getting caught in his throat. He didn't know why, but he always had that kind of reaction when he looked at him.

Maybe he just liked him...

He didn't think he had a thing for old guys, though.

But Xigbar _was_ kind of cute, wasn't he? Maybe? In a way?

The guy had a scary face, but he just seemed so reliable. That was attractive. And when he was around the kids, that scary face of his actually knew how to smile.

He wanted to talk to him, but Xigbar made him feel nervous... He had an aura of unapproachability.

The blood drained from Demyx's face when he looked at the note taped on the window and saw his name next to Xigbar's. Whether he was ready to or not, he was going to have to talk to him.

Taking in a deep breath, he steeled his nerves and approached the couches.

...What was he going to say? He was suddenly tongue-tied.

Xigbar smirked.

“Yeah, you've got a mission with me today. Aren't you lucky?”

“Yeah!” He blurted it out so quickly, it sounded like he just said the first thing that came to mind, but-... Well, it _was_ kind of the first thing that came to mind, but it was the truth. He'd rather be out with Xigbar than anyone else. “You're the most experienced guy here. Anybody'd be lucky to have you.”

Xigbar's eyebrow raised over his eyepatch.

He sniffed, but there was still the hint of a smirk on his lips.

“Flattery will get you nowhere, kid.”

“Ah... So then I s'pose you won't do me a favor and do the work for me...?”

“Right you are.”

“Aw, come on...” His shoulders slumped. He didn't want to resort to begging, but... “I'll come with you. I just don't want to do any fighting. I'll do whatever you want if you take care of the Heartless for me. That's how favors work. How 'bout it?”

Xigbar was silent for a moment.

“You should learn to be more specific. A more disingenuous person would have agreed and taken advantage of your vague offer.” His single eye narrowed mischievously. “Although, if you're really willing to do _whatever I want_ , then we might have a deal on our hands...”

“Oh. Um...” Why did he get the feeling he was already being taken advantage of...

“Don't sweat it,” Xigbar said with a gleam in his eye. “I'll think of something.”

Usually, Demyx would trick someone else into doing his missions for him, but, for some reason, he thought Xigbar would have been willing to do whatever he wanted if he just asked.

Apparently he was wrong...

“Why the glum look? I said I'd help.”

Demyx's shoulders jolted and he blinked in surprise, snapping out of his thoughts.

“Th-thanks,” he said nervously. “Forreal. You're a lifesaver, you know that?”

“As if. Just don't push your luck,” Xigbar grumbled, looking away. That little hint of a smile was there again.

A grin uncontrollably spread across Demyx's face. Xigbar was surprisingly cute when he was flustered. It reminded him of someone – someone from the dreams? He could barely even remember his dreams, but he was pretty sure he would have recognized Xigbar's face if he'd known him.

It was alright. It didn't matter. Whether or not he was familiar for a reason, Demyx was happy that there was someone there who gave him that feeling. His heart – or whatever was guiding him – told him that he should stay close to him.

So he took a seat next to him on the couch and summoned his sitar to his hand.

“Any requests?” he asked. Part of him was a little worried that Xigbar would tell him to shove it.

He actually appeared to be thinking.

“Know anything relaxing?”

“Yeah! I've got just the thing.”

He began to play a gentle melody. He preferred playing intricate, challenging compositions, but he was happy to play anything for someone who wanted to listen.

As his fingers danced nimbly along the strings, he glanced at Xigbar from the corners of his eyes and found him with his eye closed, listening closely. Playing and listening were both talents. Xigbar seemed like he was the type who had a talent for listening.

“Seriously?”

Demyx looked up toward the new voice, but his hands continued to play heedlessly.

Larxene stood in the entryway to the Grey Area with a hand on her hip, a scowl on her face. He wasn't going to stop just because of her. If he'd been playing for himself, it might have been a different story, but he was playing for Xigbar.

“Ugh, it's too early for me to deal with you. Why are you even awake? Go back to sleep and stay asleep forever, please.”

Xigbar opened his eye and stared at her. “If you hate it that much, you can cover your ears. You have hands.”

Her face contorted in shock, aghast at his response. “What? Don't tell me you're _enjoying_ that noise? You must be deaf, old man.”

He shrugged. “Deal with it.”

Unable to go against him, she just sneered while holding in her anger and stalked across the room to read the note on the window.

It remained peaceful after that.

“You're amazing, Xiggy. I never knew you could be so assertive.”

“Huh?”

“Hm?”

“What do you mean?”

Demyx's fingers slowed until his song stopped. He didn't know how to answer him. He didn't know why he said it that way. He was just impressed because...

Because...?

He scratched his head. “I dunno... I guess I just didn't expect you stick up for me like that.” He smiled faintly to himself. “See, I told you you're a lifesaver.”

“All I did was tell her to get lost, but if it meant that much to you, maybe I should add it to your tab.”

How much was he going to end up owing him?

Probably a lot. Maybe even more than he knew...

He couldn't consider himself friends with the others, so he didn't feel bad when he pushed his work off onto them, but he didn't feel right about doing the same thing to Xigbar. That was why he had to pay him back. It made him wonder what kind of person he'd been before he became a Nobody. Had he always been pushing things off onto other people?

Well, it was easy to do when he wasn't attached to anyone...

“What's up?” Xigbar asked.

“Thinking.”

“Didn't know you were capable of that.”

“Yeah... I should stop trying,” Demyx laughed. “It makes my brain hurt.”

When he looked at Xigbar, something made his chest feel tight. There was a feeling in his eye that he'd never seen there before, but he was sure that someone else had looked at him that way in the past.

Maybe...

Maybe he'd always been stupid and hopeless.

He thought, maybe...

As long as he had someone like Xigbar on his side – someone who was earnest and dependable – then maybe he could afford to be a little stupid.


End file.
